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Writer's pictureAlexandra McCarthy

Understanding Shame: What It Is and Why It Matters

Updated: Oct 18

Disclaimer: This blog discusses sensitive topics, including domestic violence and sexual abuse. 


Shame is a powerful emotion that can affect all of us, even if we don't always recognise it. It’s something we tend to avoid because it feels so uncomfortable, making it harder to identify than feelings like sadness or anger. Yet, shame can shape our lives in profound ways. For example, if you've experienced trauma, you might carry a deep sense of shame about what happened, even though you're not to blame. If you struggle with mental health challenges, the stigma surrounding these issues can cause shame. And if you're a perfectionist, often holding yourself to impossible standards, you may feel shame when you don't meet your own or others' expectations. Even if we don’t talk about it, shame can be present in many areas of our lives, influencing how we see ourselves and the world around us.


What Is Shame?

Shame is the uncomfortable feeling that makes us think there’s something wrong with us. It’s different from guilt, which is when we feel bad about something we did. Guilt says, “I did something wrong,” but shame says, “I am wrong.” This might not sound like a big difference, but it’s huge. Guilt helps us learn from mistakes, while shame makes us feel like we are the mistake.


For example, if you break something valuable, guilt might make you feel sorry for the action, while shame makes you feel like you're a bad person for doing it. Over time, carrying this feeling can weigh you down, making it harder to feel good about yourself or connect with others.


Where Does Shame Come From?

Shame often starts in childhood. As kids, we rely on our parents or caregivers to teach us about the world and help us feel safe. When something goes wrong, such as being scolded for a mistake or experiencing neglect, we might start to believe that we’re the problem. We might think, “I must be bad if my parents are mad at me” or “I’m not good enough.”


In his book The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté explains that when we're forced to choose between being true to ourselves (authenticity) or maintaining our connection to caregivers (attachment), we always prioritise attachment because it’s essential for survival. In other words, when something bad happens, we may instinctively internalise the blame - believing we are the problem - because maintaining that bond is crucial. Even before we can fully understand or process events, our bodies may start to experience shame as a survival mechanism.


Therefore, these feelings can stay with us as we grow up. The more we believe that we are flawed or not good enough, the more shame builds inside us. This can happen in many ways, whether through trauma, harsh criticism, or trying to live up to impossible standards.


How Does Shame Show Up?

Shame can sneak into our lives in different ways, often without us even realising it. Here are a few ways it might show up:

  • Perfectionism: Always trying to be perfect, so you never make a mistake. Underneath perfectionism, there is often a fear of being judged or feeling “less than” others.

  • Avoiding people or situations: Feeling like you’re not good enough, so you stay away from things that could make you feel worse, like social events or opportunities at work.

  • Negative self-talk: Constantly putting yourself down, telling yourself that you’re not smart enough, attractive enough, or worthy of love.

  • Anger or frustration: Sometimes shame can make us react with anger when we feel threatened, especially if someone touches on a sensitive issue that makes us feel vulnerable.


The Impact of Shame

Carrying shame can affect how we see ourselves and how we interact with others. It can:

  • Lower self-esteem: If we constantly feel like we’re not good enough, it’s hard to feel confident or worthy of success.

  • Harm relationships: Shame can make it difficult to connect with others because we fear they’ll see the parts of us we’re ashamed of. This can lead to isolation or difficulty maintaining close relationships.

  • Hold us back: Shame can stop us from trying new things, taking risks, or speaking up for ourselves because we’re afraid of failing or being judged.

  • Trigger destructive behaviors: In some cases, people try to escape shame by turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, lashing out at others, or withdrawing completely.


The Link Between Shame and Trauma

Shame is often tied to traumatic experiences, such as childhood abuse or neglect, and is common among survivors of domestic violence or sexual abuse, or those who have experienced infidelity. When someone goes through trauma, especially at a young age, they may start to believe that they were responsible for what happened, even though they weren’t. This belief can create a deep sense of shame that lingers for years, making it harder to heal.


For example, children who experience abuse might think, “This happened to me because I’m bad,” rather than understanding that the abuser is at fault. Over time, this shame can shape how they view themselves, leading to feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness.

Unfortunately, shame can inhibit seeking the professional help that is needed for recovery, and this internal barrier to seeking support is common among victims/survivors. 


“In a mixed-model study involving online surveys and qualitative interviews with over 1,100 victim-survivors of intimate partner and/or sexual violence, the three most common barriers to help-seeking that were identified were shame (63%), lack of awareness of services (62%) and concerns about confidentiality (50%)” 

— Hegarty et al. 2022


Therefore, it is crucial for health providers and the broader community to recognise and address shame, helping to remove its stigma. This opens doors for those impacted to seek support. Core wounds and shameful beliefs swim just below the surface of our conscious mind and drive our behaviours until we start to ask ourselves important questions: Why am I reacting this way? Where does this come from? What is this behaviour protecting me from? If this feeling had an age, how old would it be? By approaching our emotions with compassionate curiosity, not only can we better understand ourselves and shift problematic behaviours, it can also liberate us from living under the weight of a shame that may not have been ours to carry in the first place. 


Why Talking About Shame Matters

Shame thrives in silence. The more we hide our feelings of shame, the more powerful they become. But when we talk about shame, especially in a safe and supportive space like therapy, we begin to take away its power. We start to see that shame isn’t something we need to carry forever, and that we’re not alone in feeling it.


Shame dies when stories are told in safe places”

—  Ann Voskamp 


Additionally, it’s important to understand that shame isn’t always “bad.” It developed in humans as a way to help us stay connected to others. In ancient times, shame helped us stick to our groups for survival. Today, though, shame can do more harm than good, especially when it goes unresolved.


Finding Support

If any of this resonates with you, and you recognise some of these feelings or behaviours in your own life, know that there is help available. Talking to a therapist can help you identify where your shame comes from and start to heal from it. Therapy provides a safe space where you can explore these feelings without judgment, helping you better understand yourself and improve your relationships.


Remember, shame isn’t something you have to live with forever. It’s possible to confront it, heal from it, and feel more confident and connected with yourself and others. Our therapists are here to guide and support you on your journey.



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