When Your Child Struggles to Say Goodbye: Understanding and Supporting Separation Anxiety

Picture this: you’re standing at the daycare door, and your childs little hand grips yours tighter. Tears well up, and their voice breaks, “Don’t go.” You take a deep breath, trying to stay calm, even though your heart aches too.

Many parents know this scene all too well. Feeling anxious during goodbyes is a normal part of early development. But when distress becomes overwhelming or starts to interfere with daily life, it might be something more - separation anxiety.

What is Separation Anxiety? 

Separation anxiety is the distress a child feels when they’re away from a parent or primary caregiver. It’s most common between 6 months and 2.5 years of age, when children are learning that even if they can’t see you, you still exist - a developmental milestone called object permanence.

A little clinginess is expected. But when the worry and distress becomes intense, ongoing, or starts to impact your child’s confidence and daily activities, it might be time for extra support.

Recognising the Signs

Children experiencing significant separation anxiety may:

• Avoid being alone or refuse to sleep away from home

• Show intense distress when anticipating separation

• Complain of headaches or stomach aches before saying goodbye

• Have difficulty concentrating or joining in with their peers 

• Experience nightmares or worry-filled dreams about being separated from you

  
  

You might also notice behavioural signs like refusing to go to school, crying when you leave the room, or avoiding activities that require independence. Over time, this can impact earning, friendships, and confidence. 

The good news is, with understanding and consistency, things can improve.

How to Support Your Child 

Your presence, patience, and predictability are key. The following evidence based strategies can help your child feel more secure and confident during separation: 

Practice gradual, short separations	Start small. Begin with brief separations and gradually increase the time apart. This will help them build tolerance and confidence. For example, leave your child with a grandparent for 10 minutes while you go for a walk, and slowly increase the time apart to 30 minutes, then an hour.
Create a consistent goodbye ritual	A simple predictable routine to reassure your child and help them understand that, as always, you will return.  It might be a hug, a special handshake, or saying the same goodbye phrase each time, “See you soon, I’ll be back to pick you up.”
Keep goodbyes short and calm	Long, drawn-out goodbyes may heighten their worry. Keep it short, warm, and steady. For example: “Have fun, I’ll be back soon!” or “I can’t wait to hear what you do while I’m gone.”
Prepare them ahead of time	Predictability helps children feel safe and reduces uncertainty. Let your child know when you’ll be away and who will care for them. For example, “After breakfast, Grandma will stay with you while I run errands. I’ll be home before lunch.”
Keep reunions positive	When you return, greet your child warmly and acknowledge their feelings, but keep it calm rather than overly dramatic. For example, “You did great while I was gone! I’m so happy to see you.”
Be consistent	Following through on what you say builds trust. Follow through with your goodbye routine and return at the time you promised. Returning when promised helps your child internalise, “Mum or Dad always come back, I can handle this.”

When To Seek Professional Help

Transitions like starting school, moving house, or changes in routine can heighten anxiety temporarily. But consider seeking professional help if your child:

• Experiences intense, prolonged distress during separations

• Has panic-like symptoms, such as shaking or hyperventilating

• Complains frequently of physical pain without medical cause

• Avoids school or social activities for several weeks

• Shows anxiety lasting longer than four weeks that disrupts daily life

Early support can prevent longer-term difficulties. Evidence-based therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), can help children understand and manage their worries, while parent coaching can guide you through consistent, practical strategies at home. Collaboration between parents, schools, and therapists is often the most effective approach.

Supporting Yourself, Too

Seeing your child distressed can be emotionally taxing. You might question if you’re doing the right thing, but it’s important to remember: your child’s anxiety doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s a reflection of how deeply they value safety and connection.Your calm, predictable response is one of the most powerful ways to help them. Here are some ways to care for yourself in the process:

• Acknowledge your own stress. Separation anxiety can be tough for parents, too. Take a moment to breathe and reset.

• Model confidence during goodbyes. Children mirror your tone and body language. 

• Reach out for support. Whether it’s talking to a friend, a fellow parent, or a professional, you don’t have to hold this alone.

Remember, separation anxiety doesn’t mean you or your child are doing something wrong. It reflects their deep attachment and developing independence. With patience, structure, and support, most children learn to feel safe, confident, and capable when apart from their caregivers.

Over time, those hard goodbyes soften into moments of trust.