In the whirlwind that is a school day, it’s common for our kids to feel overwhelmed or dysregulated at the end of the day. As parents and caregivers, it's crucial to create a supportive environment where our kids feel validated and understood, especially during challenging moments. In the same breath, it’s also important for our kids to know when their behaviour may have crossed a line, or what they are doing is just not on. So how do we balance this? The validating of emotions whilst also acknowledging behaviour that's not on? One effective technique we’ve found is the Four Rs approach: Relate, Regulate, Respond, Reflect.
Relate: Start by acknowledging your child's emotions. Validate their feelings by expressing understanding. For instance, you might say, "I can see you are feeling really upset right now because your brother took your toy”. To relate is to simply acknowledge and validate your child's emotion in relation to the event. This act of relating helps your child feel heard and valued.
Regulate: Once you've acknowledged their emotions, focus on helping your child regulate them. This often involves co-regulation, where you provide comfort and support until they feel calmer, or encourage self-regulation if they have the skills to manage their emotions independently. Remember, this process may take time, and it's okay to give your child space to calm down before moving forward. Some examples of co-regulation that you could try include giving your little one physical contact like a hug, maintaining calm yourself which reassures your child and models self-regulation, using a soft or soothing voice whilst saying “I’m here for you”, or engaging in slow deep breathing together to help them calm down. This will be different for every child, and it’s about finding what helps them.
Respond: It’s important to note that ‘respond’ doesn’t always occur within the same day. Maybe it happens the next day, depending on when the above two actions (relate and regulate) have been done properly. Only when your child is regulated can this step effectively be done. Respond is about initiating a discussion to explore the underlying triggers of their emotions. Ask questions like, "What happened before you got upset? Were you feeling tired or hungry? Is something else bothering you?" This step helps both you and your child gain insights into what might have caused the meltdown and how to address similar situations in the future.
Reflect: Finally, take time to reflect on the experience together. This might sound like, "I know you were really upset before because your brother took your toy, but it’s not okay to hit him”. Discuss what you've learnt and how you can both grow. We encourage you to also take accountability in acknowledging your own actions, for example, maybe you were quick to anger or yell, and just like the child they are also learning and making mistakes. This is where an apology on both ends could be useful (if appropriate and relevant). Encourage your child to express their thoughts and feelings about what happened, and offer reassurance that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth.
The Four R's approach is helpful in navigating and validating challenging emotions but also nurturing their emotional resilience. Showing them that what they are experiencing is valid (relating), helping them to manage their emotions (regulating), understanding what was going on (responding) and then looking back to see what could be done differently (reflecting). What matters most is that you're there to support and guide your child through life's ups and downs, helping them become more confident, capable, and compassionate individuals.
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