Who’s role is it to talk about consent?
Is it the teachers role? The therapists role? The parent/guardians role? Or for the child or young person to figure it out themselves?
While teachers and therapists can play important roles, it is the responsibility of parents/guardians to begin teaching consent from a young age.
We often get asked, “When should I be teaching consent?” and we hear “What If I say the wrong thing??” We get it - discussing consent can feel uncomfortable. We aim to empower you with the knowledge to teach and understand consent so that your child remains safe and knows their right to autonomy.
Consent is about asking for permission and respecting the response, whether it’s a "yes" or a "no." While we often associate consent with adult relationships, it's a crucial concept for kids to learn early on. You might wonder, "How does consent apply to my five-year-old?" The truth is, understanding and practicing consent can begin at a young age and is fundamental to healthy interactions throughout life.
Consent shows up in everyday situations for kids. For example:
Playing Together: Kids may ask each other if they want to play a certain game or share toys.
Physical Boundaries: They may ask if a friend wants a hug or if it's okay to sit close.
Sharing Food: They might ask if they can share a snack with a friend.
Teaching kids to ask for and give consent in these everyday interactions and starting these lessons early is key. Kids who understand the concept of consent are better equipped to respect others boundaries and assert their own. It's important to create an environment where they feel safe to ask questions about relationships and consent. Encouraging open conversations helps them feel comfortable discussing these topics as they grow, and it’s important to teach about consent long before it relates to sexual interactions. Helping them understand their boundaries from a young age leads to body respect and personal autonomy. While it may seem challenging to approach this topic with kids, it can be done in an age appropriate manner.
Introducing personal boundaries and consent for toddlers and preschoolers:
Simple Language: you might say, "If someone does something that makes you uncomfortable, you can always talk to me about it." Use simple words and clear language, like “your body is your own” and “you have the right to say no”.
Respecting Boundaries: If your child doesn't want to hug, kiss, or sit on a relative's lap, they have the right to say no. You could say something like,“It’s okay if you don’t want to give your uncle a hug. Do you want to give him a high-five instead?”
Practice Scenarios: Help them practice scenarios where they might need to assert their boundaries or respect others. For example, if a friend doesn’t want to share a toy, explain, “Alex doesn’t want to share the toy right now. It’s important to respect what Alex wants. Maybe we can find another toy to play with”.
Empowerment: Teach kids that they are in control of their own bodies and do not have to do anything they are uncomfortable with. Ask them, “Who are your safe people to tell if you feel uncomfortable, like if someone asks you to show them your private parts?”
Modeling Consent: Ask for your child's consent, like, “ Would you like a hug?” or “Can mummy rub cream on you?”. This helps them understand the importance of respecting others' boundaries.
Nonverbal Cues: Teach them to notice nonverbal cues that indicate someone’s comfort level. For example, if your child is talking loudly and another child seems to be covering their ears or stepping back, you could say, "Hey, Sara, it looks like Jamie is feeling overwhelmed by the noise. Maybe we can use our inside voices or give Jamie some space to feel more comfortable."
Consent for school-aged kids and pre-teens:
Whilst the above strategies can continue to be used for our school aged kids and pre-teens, there will likely be new opportunities to continue conversations around consent. This might look like:
Explaining consent: You can begin to explain consent in straightforward terms like, "Consent means saying yes or no to things that involve your body or personal space. If you don't want to play a game or if you want someone to stop, it's okay to say no."
Peer check in: If they notice a friend might not be enjoying an activity anymore, you could say , "If you notice someone isn't smiling or seems upset, check in with them by asking, 'Is this still fun for you?'".
Choice:If they don’t want to go to a sleepover, you can encourage them to say no, for example, “It’s okay if you don’t want to sleepover at Lucy’s house, would you like to go for the day instead?”.
Social media & consent: If your child begins using social media, you can incorporate consent into sharing images of themselves and others. Before posting pictures of others, they should always ask for permission. Similarly, your child should expect others to ask for their consent before sharing any images of them. It’s also crucial for them to know that they can freely say no if they are uncomfortable with sharing their image.
Consent in different scenarios: Discuss with them how consent applies in various situations beyond just physical interactions. For example, you can talk about respecting personal space, understanding when someone is not interested in a conversation or activity, and the importance of checking in with friends about their comfort levels.
Encourage open and honest conversations about feelings and boundaries. Let them know they can always come to you with questions or if they feel uncomfortable about something. It’s also important to be consistent with listening to your child's concerns. If they come to you once and feel heard, they're more likely to return with future issues. Conversely, if they feel dismissed, they might hesitate to seek your help again. Starting these conversations early helps set the foundation for healthy relationships and interactions as they grow. It likely isn’t going to be a one time talk, rather a continuous conversation that evolves and expands as your child grows and encounters new situations and environments.
Discussing Consent with Teens
As your child approaches the teenage years, you can start to relate the concept of consent more directly to sexual activities. In NSW, the age of consent for sexual activity is 16 years, however teenagers are often sexually active before this. So, it’s crucial to have these conversations during the early teenage years so that they understand how to both give and receive consent.
However, It’s not always easy for teenagers to determine whether others are interested in being intimate or having sex and miscommunication can occur, leading to various issues. Consent isn’t always clearly communicated, which can create further confusion. Teens may also struggle to understand their own desires and feelings, especially with the pressures from peers, TV shows, and social media. So, whilst these conversations can be tough to have, they are needed.
Some important things to remember when teaching consent to teens:
Clarity is key: the best way to obtain consent is to ASK directly. Encourage your teen to never assume consent or take things as a sign of consent, for example, if they receive a sexual message, it doesn’t automatically mean that person gives consent.
Remind them of their right to body autonomy: all teens have the right to say what happens to their bodies and they need to understand that it is wrong for others to touch, ask to see, or take photos of their bodies, or engage in any sexual activity without consent.
Reading cues is important: both verbal and non verbal cues are important when thinking about consent. For example, if someone pulls away, it likely means they want to stop. They should ask, “Do you want to stop?”.
Get specific consent for different activities: saying yes to one activity does not imply consent to another, they should ask for consent at each step.
They have the right to change their mind: it’s crucial for teens to understand that they can change their mind at any time, and so can the other person. If they start to feel uncomfortable or the situation doesn’t feel right, empower them to say, “Let’s stop” or “I’m not sure about this”.
One way to make the conversation more relatable and less intimidating is to use examples from TV shows or movies that you might watch together to get the conversation started and link it to consent. For example, “ That person looks uncomfortable being touched, and she is drunk, what should she do?” or “ Did you notice how she changed her mind about having sex and he got angry at her, why is that wrong?” or “I never saw her ask him if she could touch him, he seems to be pulling away from her as well, do you think he wants to stop?”.
Ultimately, we can only control what we teach our kids and we cannot always ensure that others have had the same teachings. Although these conversations may seem uncomfortable for us as parents who may have never received these conversations from our parents, it becomes easier with practice and it means we are equipping our kids with the tools we may have once needed ourselves and never had, so that they can navigate complex social situations with confidence and respect.
There are a tonne of resources available to help teach consent, some of our favorites can be found below:
Resources for Kids:
Boss of Your Own Body - Byll & Beth Stephen
From My Head To My Toes, I Say What Goes - Charlotte Barkla & Jacqui Lee
ABC of Body Safety and Consent - Jayneen Sanders
Yes! No! - A First Conversation about Consent - Megan Madison, Jessica Ralli, & Isabel Roxas
Resources for Teens:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU - a super relatable concept of how consent applies to anything and everything
Welcome to Consent - by Yumi Stynes & Dr. Melissa Kang
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