There is a growing societal conversation about children’s behaviour, how to handle it, and the impact it has on their emotional development. There is more awareness about the link between the parenting approach and children’s social and emotional development than ever before. There’s a lot of conflicting information about what appropriate expectations and limits are for kids – or if limits are appropriate at all – and what that looks like in real life.
Many are reflecting on their own experiences as a child, particularly if they received harsh, stern parenting and don’t want that for their kids but aren’t sure what to do instead. Others are worried that we’ve gone too far, that childhood behaviour is worsening and maybe a smack or a bit of fear is needed. It’s hard to scroll social media without someone talking about “gentle parenting” – either as the solution to it all or the cause of every toddler melting down in a supermarket and rude teenager they come across.
This blog aims to cut through some of the noise and simplify things a bit.
The most important part to understand is that having clear and consistent expectations of children is a core component of effective parenting.
Research shows that there are two key factors in parenting style that really have an impact, and the best outcomes occur when both are present. These factors are warmth and demand. There are some different terms used such as “soft love/firm love” or “responsiveness/control” but essentially, they’re all describing two key parental roles
1. The support, love, affection, belief and joy parents express and
2. The expectations and requirements they set
Children whose parents are high in both demand and warmth tend to be more well-adjusted. Their social, academic and emotional outcomes are better.
Why are limits and expectations important?
Clear limits help children feel secure emotionally. The world feels predictable and manageable. Not having these limits results in overwhelm. Kind of how it feels for tourists trying to drive in Southeast Asia – there’s no predictability, there’s no clear guidelines on what to do, there are lanes on the road but nobody is following them, it feels chaotic. We get anxious, we start getting irritated at the people we’re travelling with, we’re stressed, emotional and we don’t feel safe.
Clear limits also keep us as adults firmly in our role as leader. Kids don’t want to be in charge (no matter how much they say otherwise!) – it scares them. Imagine you’re on a plane, it hits a bit of turbulence and next thing you know, the pilot starts asking passengers what they think the right approach is. Most normal people would yell “I don’t know, you’re the pilot, shouldn’t you know?!”
When limits aren’t clear, when an adult isn’t decisively in charge – kids feel anxious. Our job is to relieve them of that by fully embracing our role and the responsibility it entails.
Our expectations of our kids have a huge impact on their behaviour and high expectations usually result in better behaviour. Common examples include expecting kids to be polite, responsible, cooperative with daily tasks, kind and fair to others and to try their best at school. It’s important that we keep our expectations developmentally appropriate – a 2-year-old can’t do what a 7-year-old can.
Children will not always meet our expectations. That’s a given. It’s important to distinguish between common behaviours and appropriate behaviours. It is common for young children to lash out physically and for teenagers to text in class. Neither of these behaviours is appropriate, however, and it is our job as adults to respond to these moments in a way that guides children towards the decent, kind, polite, and responsible behaviour we want them to display.
Kid jobs/Adult jobs
A child’s job is to learn, play and explore. They make age-appropriate decisions for themselves.
Identifying what children need is an adult job.
Their health is our responsibility. Their diet, their dental hygiene, their sleep, their healthcare.
Their education is our responsibility. Their attendance at school, and their homework.
Their behaviour is our responsibility. Their manners, their character, their values, how they treat other people, and how they cope with difficult emotions.
Their safety and well-being are our responsibility. Their screen time, their exposure to inappropriate or adult information or activities, who they spend time with, and taking sensible precautions to avoid injuries.
As children grow, we gradually share these responsibilities with them but until they are adults, the final call rests with us. A 2-year-old might choose between a cheese sandwich or vegemite, and a teenager might take a turn cooking and deciding on a meal for the entire family – but the parent still adds the caveat that the meal must include vegetables.
Deciding how much decision-making a child is ready for is an adult responsibility.
To fulfil these responsibilities, we need to set limits. If we allow endless unhealthy snacking or don’t ensure reasonable bedtimes, we aren’t meeting their health needs. If we don’t insist on helmets on bikes, we risk their safety. If we turn a blind eye to hitting and snatching toys and yelling “You’re not invited to my birthday”, we aren’t equipping them with the skills they need to manage their social world.
The word No
What this means is that we end up saying no to quite a lot of things. No to more biscuits, no to throwing toys around the room, no to endless iPad, no to TV until after homework is done, no to ripping up your sister’s painting because you’re mad, no to getting in the pool without an adult’s permission, no to staying up late on a school night.
We can word it nicely, we can explain our reasoning, we can offer the choice of two acceptable options, but ultimately – to meet children’s needs – we need to say no to a lot of things they ask, beg, demand, bribe, threaten and plead for.
This would be easy if they cheerfully accepted this and went on their way, possibly even thanking us for looking out for them and offering fruit instead of ice cream. Unfortunately, after 18 yrs of looking after kids in 3 countries, I haven’t yet come across one of these mythical creatures and I’m starting to suspect they don’t exist.
What completely normal children do, (with alarming frequency in those first few years especially!) is resist limits. They yell, scream, cry, badger, sulk, tantrum. The best part is they don’t even care where they are. They’ll do this in the kitchen, the supermarket, on a packed train, in the middle of a wedding, a funeral or a meeting with your boss.
It’s frustrating, it’s embarrassing, it’s tiring, it’s hard, it would be easier to just give in. It’s normal.
This behaviour is children doing their job. They’re figuring out the world, they’re figuring out how to deal with different situations, they’re figuring out how to cope with uncomfortable feelings, they’re figuring out what we expect of them. It’s actually very healthy for their development. If we are not able to tolerate the discomfort of their resistance, their health and development are affected. Avoiding a battle over toothbrushing might relieve temporary conflict – but it only kicks the can down the road to having to navigate a much bigger meltdown about getting fillings.
Enforcing No
Setting the limit is only half the job. Enforcing it is the second part. Lots of people have a hard time with this part, and where a lot of the talk about “gentle parenting” has been misinterpreted.
Holding the limit on something like more cookies or “one more story” or “Can I sit in the front seat because my friends do” is straightforward (in theory!). You say no, they get upset and you stay firm and don’t give in. And this does cover a lot of situations. Your Grandma was right about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It doesn’t happen overnight, but if there’s routine and consistency, kids learn that if the answer is no, it’s no.
Hint: The reverse is also true – kids also learn quickly if yelling and screaming changes the no to a yes.
It’s a bit more challenging when the behaviour in question is something like they’re throwing blocks at people like they’re trying to win gold in discus for Australia. Or your 9-year-old is out riding a bike without a helmet even though it’s been a rule since he was a toddler. Now it’s not just a matter of saying no, it’s about actually stopping them. I think of it as a limit in action.
In part 2 we discuss how to set limits with our children which follow the connect, correct, be direct formula.
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