Learning to use a toilet is one of the biggest tasks for our under-5s (and their adults!)
and an important step on their journey to developing independence and school-
readiness. It can be hard to know when to start or how to approach it, especially with
your first child. As a veteran nanny I’ve helped 15 children master toileting over the
years – here are my top tips:
Preparation is key. Just like a child develops fine motor muscles in their hands with
playdough and Lego long before they ever use a pencil to write sentences, there are lots
of skills they’ll need that you can work on before the switch to undies happens. From
around 18 months old you can:
1. Encourage your child to help with dressing, especially pulling pants up and
down.
2. Use words like wee and poo when changing nappies to help develop the
vocabulary they will need when they start using a toilet. Be mindful of your tone,
even young babies will feel anxious if we express disgust about what’s in their
nappy so try to stay neutral and matter-of-fact, even when it’s up their back and in
their socks and the car seat and leaking from.....well, everywhere.
3. Allow them to see you using a toilet, wiping, flushing and washing hands. Most
kids follow their parents to the bathroom – you’ve probably had the experience of
trying to sit on the toilet in peace while a wailing toddler jams their little fingers
under the door! While it can feel a little strange to have an audience for
something most of us prefer to do privately, kids learn by observing and it’s a
really great way for them to get comfortable with the idea and for it to feel normal
and familiar by the time they are ready to have a go themselves.
4. If they’re keen, offer a turn to sit on the toilet regularly. From as early as 18mths
old, many toddlers are happy to have a little sit on the toilet and some may even
occasionally do a wee. This doesn’t mean they’re ready to fully make the leap but
having a go can be a low-pressure introduction to how it all feels. Right before
bathtime is often a good time for this. Don’t push, if they aren’t interested or
seem anxious, leave it a month and offer again.
Wait until they’re ready. Resist pressure from well-meaning others or Facebook groups
or that friend from high school who says her kids were all toilet trained at 8mths old.
Kids develop at different rates and pushing it when they’re not ready won’t work.
This doesn’t mean waiting until they decide to move out of nappies themselves! Most
typically developing children are ready sometime in the year they’re 2, often around 2.5.
It’s not uncommon for girls to get the hang of it earlier than boys but learning to use the
toilet is one of those things that can actually get harder if left until later. Three-year-olds
tend to be more stubborn (they don’t call them threenagers for nothing!) and more
anxious than the 2’s. You know your child best but if you’re seeing signs of readiness in
your 2-year-old, it might be a good time to try.
Physical signs of readiness: you notice they’re wetting their nappy less often but when
they wet, the nappy is SOAKED. As bladder capacity increases and control begins to
develop, a toddler starts holding urine and then doing one big wee rather than the
smaller, more frequent wees of a baby. You might notice that you can leave them nappy-
free at home sometimes without ending up with wee on the floor. They may start to hide
to do a poo or pause their play and then announce they’ve done a wee or ask to be
changed – all of this means they’re becoming aware of the sensations in their body and
is a big sign that they’re ready to graduate to undies.
Emotional signs of readiness: these are just as important as physical readiness. Giving
up nappies is a big step for kids and even if they’re physically ready, problems can occur
if they’re stressed or anxious about it. Kids who are ready are curious about the toilet,
interested in watching others use the toilet, are happy to sit on the toilet for a few
moments, are interested in books or shows about using a toilet and are excited about
the idea of wearing underwear or being a “big kid”. If your kiddo isn’t there, keep talking
positively about the idea and reassess where they’re at in a month or two.
Temperament matters – if your child is naturally cautious or unsure about new things,
they may need a bit more time to get comfortable and familiar with the idea
So does timing – If they’ve just started a new daycare or a baby sibling has arrived or
Grandpa is in hospital, it’s better to wait until things have settled down.
Got it! My toddler has enough words to tell us they need to do a wee or poo, can
manage pants, happily sits on the toilet sometimes, seems physically and
emotionally ready and we’re ready to do this – but what do we actually DO?
Talk to your child about how they’re soon going to start wearing underwear and doing
wees and poos on the toilet like Mummy/Daddy/siblings do.
Take them on a special trip to pick out underwear a few days beforehand – let them
choose (Bluey? Elsa? Sparkles? The choices are endless!) and encourage them to show
visiting friends or family or perhaps take to daycare to show a favourite teacher. Buy a
few packs, you’re going to need some backup pairs at the beginning! Size up – it’s easier
for little hands to manage if they’re a bit loose.
Go all in. Once you’ve made the move to undies, do your best to stick with it. It’s
confusing for kids if they’re put back in nappies for trips to the shop or left playing in a
nappy in the afternoon after a nap. If your child spends time with different caregivers or
is at daycare, make sure everyone is on board before starting.
A note about pull-ups. Pull-ups were a great marketing invention from the nappy
companies but are completely counter-productive to toilet training. They look like a
nappy, feel like a nappy and act like a nappy. To a toddler, it is a nappy. The same goes
for thick ‘training pants’. When learning bladder control, feeling wee on the body helps
the child make the connection between signals from the body and urinating. Anything
that absorbs urine may be less messy but interrupts this learning process. Pull-ups are
best used as night nappies, not an intermediate step between nappy and underwear.
The first two days are the biggest learning curve. Plan to stay close to home, encourage
hydration (diluted juice, popsicles, watermelon, cucumber are all good!) and stay
nearby so you can help them get to the toilet when they need to go.
Expect accidents, lots of them at first. This is completely normal and it’s important to be
matter of fact about it and not communicate any frustration or worry to your child. If
your child becomes upset, offer a hug and reassure them that it’s OK, everyone has
accidents sometimes and that you know they’ll get the hang of it.
You may have heard of the “3 day potty training boot camp” or the “naked approach” –
for lots of kids, this really does work. Essentially you stay at home and let your child run
around naked from the waist down for the first day or two of toilet training. It doesn’t
work for all, but many will wee on themselves a few times and then it ‘clicks’.
Most young children benefit from being taken on regular scheduled toilet visits.
Common times include first thing in the morning, before leaving the house, before
meals and sleep times. Many childcare centres do the same – if your child resists, you
can explain that it doesn’t matter if they do a wee or poo, it’s just about trying. If you
stick to the regular times, your child will quickly adjust to the routine.
Wiping. Involve your child in wiping from the beginning. Initially a grown up will need to
help with most of it, but encourage them to have a turn as well, talk to them about
wiping and checking the toilet paper to see if they’re clean and teach them to wipe front
to back.
Clothing needs to be simple and loose-fitting. Trackies and simple pull-up shorts and
skirts aren’t necessarily going to win any fashion awards but it’s demoralising to a young
child who has managed to notice the urge to wee, made it to the toilet on time and then
ends up having an accident because they couldn’t get buttons or zippers undone in
time. Until they can manage fastenings easily, save the fancy outfits for special
occasions.
Use rewards with caution – for most kids, feeling proud of having managed a wee or poo
on the toilet is reward enough, coupled with praise and a hi-5 from Mum and Dad. A
small reward can help at the beginning but keep it small – a stamp on the hand or
sticker or one m&m is fine but promises of big rewards or charts leading to a prize add
pressure (and upset if they don’t achieve it) and can be counter-productive. Low-key is
best, our own positive feelings about our achievements are usually the best motivation!
What about during naps and at night? Most children will achieve bladder control in the
day before they can manage it while sleeping. It will not confuse your child to have a
nappy for sleep time. Take them to the toilet prior to sleep, pop the nappy on and then
remove straight away and take them to the toilet when they wake up. Bladder control
while sleeping is different to daytime and largely biological in nature rather than
something that can be “learned”. When you notice your child waking in the morning
sometimes with a dry or nearly dry nappy, you can ask if they’d like to try wearing undies
to bed.
Trouble shooting -
What about a potty? Many families choose to start with a potty. The benefits of this are
that they’re portable, you can put one in front of the TV, some children find them more
manageable because they’re smaller. All of this is great however many children then
struggle to transition to a ‘real toilet’ (that doesn’t have a TV available). Each family and
child is different, I recommend in the first instance to start with a real toilet to avoid
having a further transition in future – a step stool and a padded children’s toilet seat can
be helpful initially.
My child will wee on the toilet but will only poo in a nappy. This is very common,
especially in children who tend to be a bit anxious or have sensory challenges. Almost
all will resolve in time with patience and understanding. It can help to have “poo time”
at the same time each morning. Aim for about 20-30min after breakfast and have them
sit on the toilet for 10min. Emphasise that they don’t need to do a poo, they just need to
sit. It often helps to leave them with a special toy or even an iPad rather than sit in there
with them. Stick to this each morning for a week or two and many children will relax
enough to start doing a regular poo.
Other parents find giving them a nappy but having them do the poo in the bathroom and
slowly graduating through pooing on the toilet with a nappy, then pooing with the nappy
in the toilet to ‘catch’ the poo and finally pooing without a nappy works.
This can be a particularly frustrating issue for caregivers. If the issue has persisted for
more than a month or two after bladder control has been achieved, or if you or your
child are very upset or you feel like you’ve tried everything and it’s not working, it’s
important to reach out to an OT or child psychologist for guidance and support.
My child waits until the last minute to go and ends up wetting their pants. This can
happen when kids get so caught up in what they’re doing, or they don’t want to ‘miss
out’ on what’s going on. If you notice your child sitting funny or wiggling around and you
know they need to go to the toilet, stop play and take them to the toilet rather than
asking if they need to go or waiting until an accident occurs. Talk to them about how
they’ll be able to go back to their game but it’s important to listen to their body when it’s
telling them they need to use the toilet.
My child was toilet trained and now they’re having a lot of accidents. This is
common and can be caused by a lot of things. Sometimes it’s easy to guess the cause
and other times it’s not as clear. Some regression is common during times of stress or
change such as changing preschool or a new baby in the house. Wee accidents in a
toilet trained child can also be a symptom of a UTI – this should be checked by the GP. A
previously toilet trained child who has more than one poo accident should always be
seen by their doctor.
My child is afraid of some aspect of toileting and won’t go. This can be common,
especially in kids with sensory challenges. This can include not liking the feel of a cold
toilet seat, a flush sounding too loud, toilet paper being scratchy or worries about
getting poo or wee on themselves. It can be tempting with an anxious child to ‘fix’ the
issue by doing all the wiping for them or flushing the toilet for them after they’ve left the
room, but this doesn’t help them to gain the skills they’ll need when they’re at school
and needing to toilet independently. It’s more effective in the long term to support and
reassure them to gradually face these uncomfortable feelings slowly. This might look
like flushing for them while they stay in the doorway and over time holding your hand
while you flush together, flushing with your nearby for support and ultimately learning to
cope with the sound of the flush alone. Or starting with an adult doing most of the
wiping and the child doing one wipe at the end and gradually increasing over time.
For some kids, these fears can be very overwhelming and difficult for carers to manage
alone. If this is the case, an OT or psychologist can help to understand why the problem
is occurring and support you and your child as they learn these important skills.
We’ve been trying for a week, they don’t seem to be ‘getting it’ and there’s wee all
over my house. If your child is under 3, they may simply not be ready. All kids develop at
different rates. It’s completely fine to stop, go back to nappies and try again in a couple
of months.
We’ve tried a few times and it’s still not happening OR someone (grown-up or kid!)
is finding this really hard. Where do we get some help?
Like all things with little kids, we expect learning new skills and changes to come with a
bit of an adjustment period and this can be the case with learning to use the toilet too.
BUT (and this is a really important but) – whenever things feel so hard that a kid or
grown-up (or both) is melting down or it feels like it’s harder than it should be, or harder
than it seems to be for other kids, it’s really important to reach out for some help.
Lots of parents find that talking to a daycare teacher or a really experienced Mum friend
(or even their own Mum) can be a good way to get a bit of support and maybe a tip or
trick they haven’t thought of before.
But if you feel like you’ve tried it all, or your child is nearing 4 and still having frequent
accidents, it’s a good idea to check in with their GP (or OT if one is already on board)
Some children may experience difficulties with toileting for a variety of reasons, often
related to their unique sensory, cognitive, and developmental needs. Some common
reasons can include:
Sensory sensitivities: the feeling of toilet paper, the toilet seat, the sound of flushing,
bright bathroom lights and strong smells can be overwhelming for young children and
off putting, deterring them from using the toilet.
Interoception difficulties: some children have difficulties recognising the internal cues
our body gives us like when we are hungry or the need to use the bathroom, leading to
accidents or a lack of awareness of when to go.
Communication difficulties: A child may find it hard to express either by using verbal
or non-verbal communication they need to use the bathroom or ask for help.
Anxiety and fear: fear of the toilet seat or being in there alone as well as past negative
experiences such as accidents or being rushed can create anxiety around using the
toilet.
Cognitive differences: understanding the sequence of steps involved in using the toilet
may be challenging.
Motor coordination: A child who has fine and gross motor difficulties may find tasks
such as pulling up pants or wiping difficult to perform independently.
Need for routine and predictability: Nappies can be associated with comfort and
security; some children may be resistant to the transition.
If any of this sounds like your kiddo, booking in a few sessions with an OT is a great (and
fun!) way to get some help figuring out a plan that suits your individual child and family.
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