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Writer's pictureAlexandra McCarthy

Parenting chat: Setting limits with kids pt 2.

In our last blog, we explored why setting limits and expectations matters, along with the power of saying ‘no.’ Now that we understand why these 'setting limit' steps are so essential, let’s dive into how to set limits, establish boundaries, and support your child through these moments in a way that feels comforting and affirming.


So you are wondering how you can bring the tips from blog 1 into your parenting style?


How? (Connect, correct, be direct) 


1. Check your mindset (connect) If your kids are pushing boundaries,  congratulations on having a healthy child. Parents with a seriously ill children long for their kids to feel well enough to argue about staying up late. Parents who adopt from foster care cheer when kids feel safe enough to act up without worrying that they’ll be “sent back”. Kids act up – it’s their job. Remembering this can make it  easier to cope with without taking it personally (and having a tantrum ourselves) 


2. Keep the blame and shame out of it (connect).

This is where people get tripped up and worried about repeating their parents’ mistakes. Immature behaviour and boundary testing are normal and necessary. Their job is to do it, our job is to stop them, and we need to do our job without hurting them. Hitting, rough handling,  yelling, emotional withdrawal (the ‘silent treatment’), and saying things that make them feel guilty or ashamed hurts kids. Nobody is perfect and I personally believe every parent is doing the best they can with what they know, but it’s also important to be real about the fact that this type of behaviour from parents has an impact. Remember it’s not personal. They’re kids acting like kids.  


In frustration, parents sometimes say things like “Why would you do that?!” or  “What is wrong with you?!”. If children had the capacity to respond, their true answers to those questions would sound something like: 


“Why would you do that?!” (Because I’m 7 and the part of my brain that handles  impulse control won’t be fully developed for another 18yrs) 


“What is wrong with you?!” (Nothing. I’m young and I had a hard feeling or situation I didn’t handle right. Kinda like when you cut someone off in traffic last  week because you were frustrated or snapped at your colleague because you were stressed)  


3. Embrace your role. You understand the important role limits and boundaries play in child development. You want them to feel secure and confident, you want them to learn how to

act appropriately so that they can be happy and healthy. You know you need to stop them without hurting them, but they do need you to stop them. Step into that responsibility with confidence.  


4. Use “I” statements (be direct). Boundaries are all about what we are doing. As the pilot of your child’s plane, you don’t need their agreement or approval of your decisions about what is best for them. This sounds like: 


• I won’t let you…… 

• This is an adult decision. I’ve decided….. 

• I’m not going to change my mind 

• I’m going to……. 

• I need you to…… 

• I expect…. 


5. Correct the behaviour, not the child (correct). “Hitting hurts” is about behaviour, “you’re so mean to your brother” is about the child. With older kids you can point out the difference between the expectation and the behaviour – “Our rule is wear a helmet and you’re out here biking without a helmet. What’s going on?”. Depending on the situation you can reiterate expectations, explain why the behaviour is not acceptable, help them identify their emotions and validate (every feeling is OK, every reaction is not) and talk through other ways to handle the situation.  


6. Consequences are a valuable learning experience (correct). The word  ‘consequences’ gets a bit of a bad rap these days, and many parents worry that enforcing consequences may be harmful or impact their relationship with their children. This is not true and adult life is full of consequences that influence our choices. The best consequences are logical and related to prevention and are sometimes a necessary part of enforcing limits. If blocks are being thrown, I’ll need to put them away. If there’s hitting at the park, I need to move you away so nobody gets hurt. If there’s a meltdown every time it’s the end of screen time, I  won’t be allowing it for a day or two while we sort out how to handle that situation. I’ll talk about it when you’re calm but I’m not going to be shouted at. I’m putting your bike away for today, I can’t let you ignore safety rules.  


7. Remain emotionally open to your child in these difficult moments (connect). This one can be a bit confusing for some people and many worry about  “rewarding” tantrums.


Comforting your child is never a bad thing. 


Think back over the times you’ve reacted badly even just in the last month. Did you deliberately react poorly to people or were you tired/stressed/emotional? Did you mean to do something silly, or did you just not think it through properly? For almost everyone, our imperfect moments don’t have bad intentions – we’re just human. We react poorly, we lash out sometimes, and we don’t think things through.  The same is true for kids (and they’ve got way less life experience, and their brains are way less formed than ours are). And all of us, grown-ups and kids alike feel upset when we mess up and someone pulls us up on it. 


Imagine you come in from a hard day at work and snap at your partner and they say “woah, hey, I know you’ve had a bad day, but I don’t want you to take it out on me”. Imagine that swirling mix of sadness, embarrassment, and guilt (on top of all the hard feelings from what happened at work) – now imagine 3-year-old Henry trying to build a tower and getting frustrated that their little brother keeps knocking it down. He eventually explodes and throws blocks at the baby who starts wailing and Mum says “Woah, hey, I know it’s annoying when 'baby brother' knocks it down, but I won’t let you throw blocks”. Henry also feels sadness, embarrassment, and guilt (coupled with all the frustration that had already built up) – but without any words to express it or even knowledge of his feelings, he communicates by bursting into an enormous tantrum. Hysterical crying, flailing, throwing every block in reach.  


Do we need to put the blocks away before someone gets hurt? Yes.

Does Henry need to experience our boundary? Yes 

Does Henry need our comfort? Yes. 


When you set a limit or enforce a consequence, your child may be very upset or angry with you. It does not weaken your boundaries if you support them through those difficult emotions. The message we send is “I love you enough to go through the discomfort of this conflict because your development and your safety matter to me – and I know it’s hard on your side right now and I’m here if you need me”. When he’s calmed down, Mum will be able to help him understand that he felt frustrated and sad and that is understandable, but it’s not OK to handle that with throwing. Mum can talk him through asking for help if the baby is in the way or playing somewhere the baby can’t access and emphasising that blocks can only be played with if they are going to be used safely.  


What has Henry learned here? 

• He’s taken another step towards understanding emotions and handling them effectively with Mum labelling them and explaining what to do if the situation happens again (increased skills so this is less likely to happen again) 

• He’s learned that it’s not OK to throw blocks and that Mum will stop him if he does that (which is a relief, because he doesn’t want to hurt his baby brother but he’s only 3 and sometimes he can’t control himself)  

• He’s learned that Mum can pilot steadily through his emotional turbulence (which deepens his trust and security with her)  


This work is not for the faint of heart. In some ways, at least in the short term, it’s much easier to just give in to their demands for some peace and quiet - or to give in to our own frustration and start lashing out ourselves. But the effort and commitment of providing consistency, predictability, safety and calm pays off dividends in the long term for our kids. 

 

A final note 

Parenting is hard for everyone and it’s extra hard for some people. Some adults are dealing with their own “stuff”, some people find having children of their own triggers a lot of trauma and anxiety related to their own childhoods, some are parenting high-needs kiddos with extra challenges who don’t respond to any of the “standard” recommendations, and some are juggling all the above. If this is you and you’re struggling, please reach out for help. A psychologist or an OT can work with the whole family to move things into a more manageable place.



A image of a parent and child holding hands

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